April, 2011, Dear Deb

April 2011, DEAR DEB

Dear Deb,

I am 18 years old and about to graduate from High School. I fell deeply in love with a girl a year older than I am when I was 15. She is just now finishing her first year of college. About 6 months ago I realized that, though I love her and can’t quite imagine life without her, she is not a person I can ever marry or spend my life with. I can’t handle her family because it’s way too different from me and my family. I don’t like the way they relate and don’t want them as grandparents to my children. I don’t feel intellectually stimulated by this girlfriend. Also, she is rapidly heading toward obesity and I’m into physical energy and physical activity. She told me some time ago that she is ready right now to say she is committed forever and I wasn’t ready to deal with the loss, loneliness and turmoil of a break-up so I tried to make myself believe it was alright to stay. I really do have some wonderful times with her but I know in my heart that I’m not being fair to her to hold on for fear of how lonely and sad I will be without her. It just seems cruel to come right our and tell her how I feel about her family, her weight & lack of energy and/or our lack of intellectual compatibility. What can I do?

Sincerely, In Too Deep

Dear In Too Deep,

You are wise to be thinking about the appropriateness/inappropriateness of continuing in this relationship. You are right to realize that hanging on is unfair to her. I have asked another column reader to help me with the answer to this one. She advises that you sit down and think through your feelings and write down what you want to say. Since you know that she is not what you want in a life partner and she wants that commitment from you, you have to say goodbye. There’s really nothing she can or should do about her family or the intellectual differences between you or your different views of healthful living. Be clear with her that it’s not that she’s done anything wrong and there’s really nothing she could do differently to change how you feel. Tell her you do not want to go through your entire life having dated only one person. She will always have a special place in your heart because she was your first true love. Tell her how you’ve grown and felt blessed by her love and friendship. Say how sorry you are that you’ve reached this different place from what you had expected, since it had seemed you were meant to be together. Time and maturity can and has changed that. Tell her you’ll always want her happiness and know it would not be fair for you or for her if you stay when you know it’s wrong for you. Expect some serious tears and heartache on both your part and hers. Stay solid in your knowledge of what you need for your future. I suggest that whatever you choose to say to her that you also send it in letter form so that she has time to consider it outside of what is sure to be an emotional encounter and so she has it to refer to as she goes through the stages of loss that she is bound to go through. The pain will ease. You will be ready when the right woman comes along.

Very truly yours,

Someone’s Mother

Dear Deb,

I have an elderly but very computer savvy aunt who I rarely see but I visited with her at the recent funeral for a family member. She asked for my email address, which I gave to her, but I very politely told her that I don’t like to receive jokes and forwarded items at all, and she said she totally understood and wouldn’t send me that kind of thing. I didn’t see anything from her for a couple of months and now all of a sudden my inbox has two or three forwarded emails from her every day. Do I say something or just “delete, delete, delete?” I feel like because she is my elder I should cut her some slack and just delete them, but it is irritating because I feel like she ignored my request. Any advice?

Thanks,

Confused

Dear Confused,

This is a problem readers frequently encounter with people who are like “one trick ponies” with the computer. Back in the early days of email certain people discovered they could amuse themselves and others without having to think up anything to say by sending jokes, recipes, cartoons and idle gossip to a whole slew of people on their mailing list at once and elicit all sorts of communication in return. All this at the click of the mouse! I have several of these individuals on my “when in doubt, delete” list. Now, most of us are on the social networks and can take it or leave it when people post material. These strictly emailers are clogging our in boxes instead of our Facebook Home pages. I don’t recommend opening a discussion with this aunt about these messages. Her actual personal attention to you may be more annoying and require more of you than these forwarded “ditties”. Just read the subject line, decide if you have any interest, select and delete. Keep her on your mailing list for anything you might send to a general audience that seems interested in your observations and goings on. Maybe she’ll get annoyed and take you off her list. That would be nice, wouldn’t it?

March 2011, Dear Deb

LOVE LANGUAGE: Reflections on a Valentine

A short deadline this month has me writing this column just before Valentine’s Day. Naturally I’ve been thinking about love and how we see ourselves vs. how we’re seen and how that impacts communication and, in fact, entire relationships. A friend recently directed me to refresh my memory about the book THE FIVE LOVE LANGUAGES by Gary Chapman, 1992. I’ve always felt the concept was pretty simplistic but now realize a basic reference point, choice of five options, is quite helpful. The book offers exercises to help the reader determine their love language. If you do the exercises with a loved one, you can compare love languages, and, the hope is (I think) you can let the people you love know what makes you feel most loved and treasured in relationships. You learn what makes your loved ones feel most loved and, if you keep that in mind in your interactions with others, they feel loved by you and you feel loved by them.

Recently my daughter in law and I were discussing love-languages. It was interesting to me that she guessed my love language was SERVICE. I said, “Hmmm. That’s interesting. What makes you say that?” She said something like, “Well, you’re always doing something, taking care of someone or something….” I hadn’t taken the quiz to determine my love language at the time but I felt strongly that SERVICE would not be number one. I did understand that, since she sees me in the role of grandma and mom, homemaker, wife to grandpa and doesn’t have much occasion to view my life otherwise, she would likely have a very different view of me than I have of myself.

In truth, I love almost nothing better than a quiet, easy, reciprocal time in the company of a person or people I love or a quiet, focused time in my studio or with a good book. I like to think I’m a gracious hostess and I do like to create a welcoming, inviting atmosphere around me. That focus could seem like one of service, but I think of it more as an aspect of my attitude toward beauty, comfort and joy. I do very little out of a sense of service to anyone or anything, though I hold the hope that by “being the change I wish to see in the World” (Ghandi), I bring pleasure and joy to the lives of others.

My husband and I took the test and compared our scores:

Mine: Quality time (laughing, talking, playing, working, studying together) 33%;

Kind words and affirmation (being heard & cared for) 30%; Physical Touch 23%;

Acts of Service & Receiving Gifts. An equal 7% each.

My Spouse: Physical touch, 33%; Quality time 30%; Acts of Service, (giving and receiving), 20%; Kind words and affirmation, 17%; Receiving gifts, 0%

I think our scores are pretty much right on. Want to take the test? Here’s a link so you can do it online, instant & free. Tell people you love how you want to be loved and listen to them tell you. HAPPY LIVING & LOVING!

http://www.afo.net/hftw-lovetest.asp

Write me about this or other topics. We can all help each other become our best selves.

Still interested in responses to February’s question to Readers: www.communityreporter.org

February 2011, Living, Loving, Laughing

ASK DEB

February 2011

Is it that the beginning of a new year is the time for resolutions and trying to make things better that brings out the conversations about shame, self-disgust, feeling let down or like we’re letting someone else down? I don’t know how many times since Christmas I’ve had someone say something to me that’s made me think, “Hey, take it easy on yourself, dear one…” I think that because I want to be able to give myself a little wiggle-room and find ways to forgive my own lack of perfection I’m wanting to know how you, Dear Reader, let go of self-recrimination and rise to a place of being your better self. I’ve talked to people this month who’ve overspent, hurt people with their words, over-eaten, drank too much, become too angry, didn’t exercise enough and watched trash TV to excess. So I’m making this topic the QUESTION TO READERS this month. Let’s help each other out.

Dear Reader,

What techniques do you use to help yourself return to serenity? How do you let go of the desire to control what you can’t control? If you’ve succumbed to behaviors that make you feel ashamed, what’s your technique toward self-forgiveness and even compassion toward others who’ve failed you or themselves? Seems to me “‘Tis the Season” always. There’s not a particular day or time when we’re absolved of our desire toward perfection nor a season when there’s no need to let ourselves or others off the hook. Since we’ve all been there and done that (whatever our failings…) let’s share our secret tools for success at forgiveness of self and others. Talk to me… Talk to each other….

Last month’s column elicited some interesting responses. One reader offered some advice from her St. Paul neighborhood. “ As to your neighbors who like to party....our block has struggled with St Thomas students for almost all of 40 years. We called the police often when things got out of hand after 10:00. Just be consistent in dealing with them and set up "Neighborhood Rules". We had some success with the police, but it was a real pain keeping on top of the kids. Also, get a number for the mom who set up the rental and find out if there is a lease… It might be a good idea to write up rules to be followed and consequences if they don't comply.. I'd add that the mother should be called when the "rules" are ignored.”

Another reader offered this for the Habitat “Lady”: “Isn't it unwise to "bond" with applicants that you may have to judge for home ownership? Don't know myself but I would consider that future advice.”

Dear Deb,

I enjoy reviewing cultural events, books, movies, music and theater and find that I mostly have something positive I want to share. Recently I attended an event I fully expected to love but came away having pretty much hated the thing. Still, I would like to share my opinion of the event but wonder how the human being on the end of the “criticism” will be effected by my negative comments. I often read the work of critics and wonder how they live with themselves after some of the cruel blows they deal. Your thoughts…?

Blogger in Waiting

Dear Waiting,

Having been on the receiving and giving end of some criticism my advice is the same as if you were face to face with a person with whom you disagree. Let kindness rule the day. Use “I” statements and simply be aware one person’s perfect cup of tea is another’s idea of a reason to run gagging from the room. It’s a big world and there are lots of viewpoints out there. My advice, wait no more! Your opinion is as valuable as the next guy/gal’s.