May 2012 DEAR DEB & Some Responses

Well, Spring has sprung…. Or has it?  It’s snowing outside my window now, but last night I wore a sundress to a party!  The Lilacs are ripe for the picking but my windshield wipers couldn’t move quickly enough to clear the white stuff from my view of the road to the YWCA this morning…  So, dear readers, I am happily inside on this bitter cold day.  I’m working on computer, an engagement I enjoy and which pertains to my topic: Social Networking.  Here’s the question.  Here’s my response.  Let me know what you think…

Dear Deb,

I have a rich, full, exciting life with a choice of activities, friends, leisure pursuits, professional, community, family, volunteer commitments and hum drum day to day doldrums, sorrows and joys.  I am just like you I expect.  I am just like all of my Facebook friends.  Here’s my dilemma.  I’m in a generation that is somewhat resistant to social networking.  I have many acquaintances and friends and even family members (and am meeting more interesting people all the time it seems….).  I would love to be able to spend time with each and every one of these people and/or engage in events and activities with them but, like you, and everyone else I suspect, I can only stretch myself so far and have to pick and choose how to spend my time and energy.  In the interest of recognizing the various activities and interests of my acquaintances and respecting their time commitments I keep track of their Facebook posts.  This way I know who is on vacation, who has a family member in need, who is looking for work, laid up, thoroughly engrossed in a project that requires all or most of their attention…  That sort of thing.  I am able to rejoice in my friends’ endeavors, commiserate in their frustration and sorrows and generally keep in mind a sense of their well being.  I know what music and literature is sending chills up and down their spines, what restaurants they frequent, how funny/demanding their children are and if they are giving of themselves to those in need. When I run into a fellow Facebooker they don’t have to stop what they are doing and fill me in on what’s taking place in their lives and they don’t need a rundown on my life.  I like this.  I feel in touch.  I feel known, seen, heard and connected.  I can ask informed and pertinent questions.  I can avoid awkward and painful topics.  I also know, because of all this ready information, when it may or may not be a good time for me to insist on a phone call or a visit with them.  When I run into someone I love and they are not Facebookers I feel a push/pull between “tell me all about your self…. we must catch up” and their wanting to ask the same of me. It seems to me that people who aren’t on Facebook and know me from only one dimension of my life, say we hang at the same coffee shop or live on the same street… don’t really know me in the broader sense and I don’t feel I really know them either.  It’s not that I need to have everyone know me in depth or that I need to know them in depth.  The dilemma is being able to juggle people’s expectations of me.  I easily lose touch with people who resist the computer.  I sometimes get a response as if a friend or family member feels insulted at my inattention and lack of availability to engage spontaneously in an activity that’s important to them. “Why haven’t you called?”  “Why haven’t we had lunch lately?”  “How come you weren’t in church last Sunday?”  Is it wrong of me to ask people who say they have an interest in me to take a minute to check out my posts and for me to offer the same in return?

Signed,  Complete Facebook-o-phile

Dear Complete,

I think your question gives a new perspective through which we can view the changing nature of friendship and connection to others in our world.  To some extent it could be seen as an attitude thing.  I know many people who find the computer so impersonal a vehicle they would rather not know what’s happening for a broader range of people than to spend their time with the keyboard.  Some sensitivity to dear ones and loved ones in this regard is very important.  My mother, for example, mostly enjoys the computer for playing games of Lexulous and Scrabble.  I expect her to have seen the grandkids photos, my calendar, what I’ve been reading and what projects are absorbing my friends and I when she checks Facebook.  Turns out, she doesn’t find it convenient to check Facebook.  She doesn’t like to log into the computer and she gets confused about emails sent and received.  She gets frustrated with Skyping and would rather simply receive an occasional handwritten letter and remain in the dark about my day-to-day goings on.   I, on the other hand, shudder to think of the dark I would inhabit if I had not adopted the habits of Skyping, Facebooking, LInking In, emailing and, photo and video-text messaging.  If I make a new acquaintance and want to know more about them than there’s time to tell I ask them to become a Facebook friend or to share their email address with me.  That way I am able to let them know right away their easiest access to me and I am able to learn enough about them to show respect for the boundaries in their lives. 

RESPONSE # 1:
Hi Deb, I just read your column with interest as always.  Did you write the question yourself?  I am interested to know because 'her' views of the importance of Face book in her life seem extreme.  Someone wants to go out for coffee with her and she gives them her face book information?  I thought your answer was good i.e. realize not everyone is that into this new form of being friends.  I think about these changes a lot, in fact I had a talk with my pastor today about the changing ways of doing church and how hard it is to admit (for some of us old geezers) that the "way we always did things" are not necessarily the best or even possible in today's world.  Among my crowd I am looked on as a progressive for having a computer.

I read about kids and dependence on technology as a worrisome thing.  I think about my grandkids and greats and I know they are book readers, baseball, football and rugby players, conversationalists.  I'm sure nostalgia plays a big part in some of folks resistance to new ways of doing things.  And fear is always present.  Who knows what all of this new stuff will lead to?

I leave you with a few of my new "Principles to Live By" from Anne Lamont
FOUR IMMUTABLE LAWS OF THE SPIRIT
1. Whoever is present are the right people
2. Whenever it begins is the right time
3. Whatever happens is the only thing that could have happened
4. And when its over, its over

Breathe deeply in 1,2,3,4, and out 1,2,3,4 and sleep like a baby (or maybe not).

Good work, Deb.  


RESPONSE # 2:


I do like this month’s column, Deb, and I have some responses to it.  I access Facebook a couple times a day, and I scroll down through everyone’s posts until I reach the stuff I’ve already read.  I enjoy seeing what others have posted, but I hardly ever post things myself.  I tend to feel that nothing new is happening, or nothing exciting, or nothing that would be interesting to others, so I don’t post.

An issue that I have with Facebook that I would like your response to is this:  I have these cousins who are “Facebook friends” and I like it that we are in touch this way.  The sad thing is that they often post wonderful pictures of people in their families, but I don’t have any idea who these people are.  I almost wish that every picture posted would have a detailed caption, something along the lines of, “This is our daughter, ________, and these are her children, ________ and ________.  She lives in ________, but was here at our home in ________ for a visit.  I would like to respond when people post nice pictures, but I feel a bit strange asking for details on these people who are obviously family, albeit “once or twice removed.”  Also, I have “Facebook friends” who are cousins-in-law and sometimes I am not even sure which cousin they are married to!

Love,
Sarah

March 2012, DEAR DEB...

Dear Deb,

I try to be an upbeat and positive person and, for the most part, my spirits are high and I love my life.  Right now though, with Valentine’s Day rapidly approaching, I’m finding it hard to entertain a loving spirit.  Why is that?  Is it that winter never quite came and still seems unending?  Is it the emergence of a worse than ever political season that has nothing to do with peace and love but rather has everything to do with denigration and division?   I hardly had ten seconds to rejoice that we would no longer be at war in Iraq before existing powers started talking a ‘take no prisoners’ approach to Iran.  Right now it seems there is very little sense to be made of anything.  It’s only at times I am resting with fellows of like mind that I can relax, take deep breaths and momentarily feel all is right with my world.  I feel a need to hide myself away.  Any advice for me from you and/or your readers would be helpful.

Someone’s not so happy Valentine

Dear Someone’s,

I’m imagining there are many people feeling the same doldrums and loss of high spirit you describe.  Perhaps Valentine’s Day was put dead center in deep winter to give us an opportunity to take a loved-one in our arms and close the door on the world for that very reason.  Sometimes (even without a loved one to hold) we have to love ourselves enough to simply close the door on the intruding and un-caring world and seek a stillness and solitude that comforts.  Though it’s certainly important to keep an awareness of the larger world and our part in it, there comes a time for renewal and refreshment that requires attention to keeping ourselves whole and happy.  My advice is to sequester yourself, alone or with others you dearly love and with whom you feel reciprocity and safety.  Listen, love, laugh.  The world outside can wait. And when you re-enter, your calm and refreshment will make the world a better place.

Dear Readers,

I received a couple of questions this month about gifts of art.  One reader asked the proper response to gifts of art that simply do not fit your taste or your décor.   These gifts can be as simple as tea towels or as extravagant as a carefully rendered landscape painting.  Another reader, an artist himself, said he seldom responds well to a gift of art because his tastes are very specific.  He has taken great pains to build his art collection and can’t figure how to incorporate pieces that aren’t quite suitable.

Dear Gift Recipients,

Receiving gifts we can’t really use or simply don’t like much is a tough one.  Almost always gifts are given with the intention of kindness and generosity.  I’m asking myself now how I would want a gift I’ve given from my good intentions to be received.  Having received the occasional gift I don’t know what to do with and certainly having given gifts I’ve later learned were not particularly welcome I think I have to stick with the old adage, “It’s the thought that counts.”   A kind and grateful response to the gift giver is always in order.  It is often possible to offer the gift to someone with suitable tastes on another occasion.  I think a kind “How kind of you to bring me a gift,” is the only response necessary.  Gift giving among family members, lovers and best friends is a different issue entirely.  In these cases it’s appropriate to establish expectations, understanding and boundaries to be sure we don’t run roughshod over our loved one’s feelings.

And this on gift-giving in general….

Dear Deb,

People seem to get in a bunch over gifts. What to give? How to accept what you don't like?  "It's the thought that counts." Yes--but I want the chance to have something tangible to accept or reject. You can't fob me off with "I'm thinking of you so fondly and that's my gift to you." NOT! So I get the thing and it doesn't meet my skyscraper standards--what do I do? I re-gift. Instead of keeping the damn thing in my front closet so I can bring it out any time the gift-er is expected, I simply pass it on. Now please note that I pass it on with DEEP THOUGHTS for the person who will now receive it, not just automatically. And if the gift-er comes by and is obviously looking around to see where I put her offering, I tell her that I loved it so much I couldn't resist making a gift of it -- just as she had done (Right?).

Not a hoarder.

Dear Not a hoarder,

It sounds as if you might be saying “Lighten up about the gift thing, already.  If one receives a gift one does not want, give it to someone who does want it!”  That sounds like one solution to me.  Hopefully anyone who gives you a gift will do it in the spirit of  ‘hope you like it but, if not, I won’t like you any less if you return it or give it to someone else.’  Seems to me that is the safest spirit in which to give a gift.

Sincerely,  Deb

P.S.  Now I know what happened to that set of quilted coasters I gave you!

DEAR DEB: February 2012

As luck would have it my deadline this month is MARTIN LUTHER KING DAY.  I find this inspirational in light of the questions and comments my readers have raised regarding how we, as individuals, congregations and communities can respond and have an impact on current conditions of inequality and poverty.  A friend on Facebook posted a link that contained a couple of Dr. King quotes I want to share with you.

“Every man must decide whether he will walk in the light of creative altruism or in the darkness of destructive selfishness. “

“Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that. “

One reader told me she watched the steady physical and apparent psychological and economic decline of a fellow parishioner.  She became disheartened and felt rather hopeless to provide any help or counsel.  One day in church prayers were raised for the down and out woman.  Finally our reader gathered her courage and asked the woman why she had never said anything about her need for assistance until now.  The woman raised her eyes and said, “Why didn’t you ever ask?”

Another reader despaired that, he, as one individual, could do so little to help the masses that are so deeply in need.  Other readers have asked how they could become volunteers and what are the specific needs of those living in poverty and without homes.

What I make of all this is that if we knew how to help, how to make a difference, we would try.  Lately I’ve been thinking of poverty and homelessness in terms of return on investment economics.  This may sound a bit cold but I think the separation of altruism and charity from the broader economic concerns of our world is a mistake.  How many studies have been done showing the long-range benefits of providing education, health care, meals, housing, transportation and childcare to those in need?  Always the lifting up of this segment of society allows for economic gain for the larger society.  Other studies show if we do not make this type of investment we pay a much greater price to incarcerate those who have fallen to lives of crimes. We pay a price in failing to provide education in that ignorance often leads to bigotry and hatred and results in war, greed and domestic violence.  When each citizen of our world is alone in the need to survive and has no community to provide for basic human needs some few people will rise above the fray and become wealthy and powerful.  I think this is what Dr. Martin Luther King was saying when he said, “An individual has not started living until he can rise above the narrow confines of his individualistic concerns to the broader concerns of all humanity.”

This is all to say that I believe the answer to “what can one person do” has become a moral, political and economic question.  But it’s more practical than that too.  It’s an issue that requires us to put our money where our politics are to at least the extent we focus on issues regarding the good sense and feasibility of a new Vikings Stadium or the addition of more upscale housing when the need for affordable housing is pressing.

I’m a common sense kind of gal for the most part.  I like to ask, “How much does it cost?  How much will it benefit?”  Lately as I ask these questions as they relate to lifting people out of poverty, the initial price tag seems tiny.  Let’s see if we can exemplify the life of Martin Luther King in our concerns for our community and for the future of our world.  Write to me and let’s keep the conversation going okay?

January 2012, DEAR DEB Column

January 2012 (!)

A new year!  I’m dumbstruck.  How did that happen?  Holidays have passed.  Those memorable communications and relationship snafus remain.  I’m thinking we might mostly need a brief REMEDIAL COMMUNICATIONS 101…  What do you think?

Dear Deb,

I am an elderly woman and I like to play word games.  I have a young friend who also enjoys word games.  We are pretty evenly matched and have fun together.  I have one problem with her.  In a discussion about the meaning of a word, she declares flatly the she has the correct meaning.  If there is a question about the rules of a game and we look up the rules and it turns out I am correct, she says, "Well, we never played it that way before" or at best "I must be thinking of a different game".

My question: Will I be out of line or in danger of losing my game partner, if I suggest she might want to modify some of her dogmatic statements from "This is the way it is" to " I think but I could be wrong"?

I enjoy your column very much and think you are a smart young woman.  I'd love to meet your mother sometime.

Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

I wish you could meet my mother and that she had an easy answer to this type of question.  Let’s see, in the absence of her perspective and wisdom, if I can be helpful here.  I’ll do a bit a guessing and say I’m thinking this friend might be what Dr. Phil would call, “A ‘Right” fighter….”  This means it is quite possible she has some emotional investment in being ‘right” and feels being ‘wrong’ or ‘mistaken’ says something shameful about her so that she feels inadequate when she doesn’t come out on top in her perception and statement of her opinion.  This is one of the “Five Losing Strategies” in communicating effectively in relationships.  As Terrence Real, author of The New Rules Of Marriage, points out in his quick reference guide, the number one losing strategy is this: “Needing to be Right.”  He breaks it down into a.  Finding out whose view is more “valid” or “accurate”, b. Leads to endless objectivity battles, and c. Fuels the psychological violence of self-righteous indignation.”  He offers five winning strategies and his book is worth the read but, the short answer in any communication process that fails to satisfy the participants I’ve found the most important point is this.  It’s almost as simple as the STOP, DROP & ROLL response when warned of a fire.  It is:  STOP, THINK, CARE, LISTEN WITH EMPATHY.   How to Communicate, author M. McKay, PhD. et. al.  describes it this way.  “Listening with empathy means saying to yourself, “This is hard to hear, but it’s another human being trying to live.”  Ask yourself: “How did this belief or this decision though it may ultimately fail, lower this person’s anxiety or get some needs me.t”

            “Your ability to listen naturally goes down when someone is angry, criticizes, or wallows in self-pity.   If you find listening with empathy difficult, ask these questions:

1.     What need is the [right-fighting, etc.] coming from?  2.  What danger is this person experiencing?  3.  What is he or she asking for?”.  You may or may not wish to bone up on your skills through reading these books.  A simple solution for immediate use is to follow the above steps toward empathic listening and then say something along the lines of, “Oh, you think so?  You might be right!”.

Would love to know how this works out for you.

December 2011 Dear Deb Column

Dear Readers of mine. This year I’ve published a novel, accumulated another dozen LIVING, LOVING & LAUGHING columns and climbed upon my lectern regarding HOUSING ASSISTANCE, repeatedly trying to ignore a gnawing sense my words were going unread. The other day on MPR an author was interviewed regarding his booked titled READ THIS OR YOU'RE DEAD TO ME.  Not long ago I would have stolen this cynical title and sent it into the world in rant form because I feared I had so few readers.

Well, not so the last couple of months (I’m happy to say)! Mr. MPR Author can have his title. You, dear readers, have found and used your voices.   Not only do I have “readers” but, I have “responsive readers!”  I’m overjoyed.  There is far too much from you for one column alone.  Still, keep those cards and letter coming please...

THE EMPTY NEST: Blessing or Curse? 

Dear Deb,

I am a recent empty nester and I just want to say that, although I miss my kids…I don't miss them that much.   My husband and I have a suddenly deeper connection in our own marriage, enjoying so much uninterrupted time together for the first time in 21 years.  We go out on a date and know that when we come home we won't be faced with siblings needing mediation or one or the other needing to process the phone call they just finished.  Whatever mood we set on the date need not be broken by returning home.  Or we settle in to watch a movie together with the same knowledge that the evening is all ours.  How refreshing…and quite honestly, sexy.

But don't get me wrong.  I'm really looking forward to my kids coming home for vacations and even for the summertime, but as much fun, laughter and love as the house will be filled with during those times, I know I won't mind the return to this quieter life where my husband and I are once again focused mostly on each other.

Sadly, I'm finding that our empty nest experience is perhaps not all that common.  We recently attended a picnic at the home of a friend.  I was chatting with a woman who commented on the fact that I was a recent empty nester.  She was a bit older than me and before I could say anything she said, "I think that the empty nest is the saddest time in a marriage."  Really?  She just said that?  I was taken aback for two reasons.  One, someone I'm only marginally acquainted with seemed to be telling me that her marriage, in and of itself, sucks big time… and that's awkward.  Two, if I'm honest, I will have to enthusiastically disagree with her and that seems a bit heartless.   I just chose to say that we were finding our new freedom bittersweet.

Furthermore,  a friend's husband recently broke into tears while out to dinner for his birthday,  because it was the first birthday his daughter (who shares his birthdate) had not been present with him.  And when I say broke into tears, I mean he sobbed.  My friend told me the crying is a daily occurrence.  And yet another friend has shared that she is wondering what she and her husband will do once their last birdie flies from the nest next fall because everything outside of their jobs is attending his events and taking care of his needs and she can't remember the last time they went on a date.

So, I don't really have a question, I'm just a little sad by the news that the return to simply being a couple, after years of quite happily sharing the highs and lows of parenthood, is a real blow to so many folks, rather than an exciting next phase in their marriages.  I told everyone who asked me in advance of our empty nest that I thought it would be bittersweet, but truly its not, its just sweet.  And I'm looking for more folks who share my joy because I have to believe there are more of them out there than I've discovered so far.  Perhaps they wouldn't mind writing in.  

Your friend who is, 

Happy to be going to Parent's Day at least 2 hours away

Dear Happy, 

Your letter cheers me greatly.  Enough said.  You heard the woman Readers.  Perhaps you wouldn’t mind writing in.

HAPPY HOLIDAYS & SEASON’S GREETINGS

Dear Deb, November 2011

And now the Fall is fading….   For me the last couple of months have been a time of equanimity and serenity for the most part.  I wish the same for you.

As the seasons change new questions of our responsibility to loved ones, our communities and to complete strangers emerge.

Dear Deb,

Take my wife! Please!  But, seriously, Deb.  I do have some issues with the coming of the cold weather and increased proximity to my nearest and dearest.  Don’t get me wrong.  I love spending time with her.  It’s just that our mutual love of our den during football season, the baseball playoffs (World Series….) & her desire to be near me while multi-tasking on phone, computer, magazines and other written material and carrying on conversations with me…. Well… We are at odds.  How do I tell her, without being mean or hurting her feelings that I really need to concentrate on these sports events and that her expletives at the phone and computer and desire to share her frustration, joy and O Magazine discoveries with me at these times is, frankly, infuriating.

Baffled Spouse

Dear Baffled,

Your circumstances sound strangely familiar to me.  I can understand your furor and frustration.  Moving it all indoors in the cooler weather often leads to far too much togetherness even for the most loving couples.  I’ll refer you to a column I wrote some time ago about “Love Language.”  In my experience it doesn’t much matter what the issue or frustration or irritation is…. The way we tell others how we feel and what’s bothering us makes all the difference.  If in doubt about the irritating individual’s love-language your best course is to use “I” statements.  Make the frustration, not about how unbearably annoying she is and how can she possibly expect you to put up with her shenanigans but, rather, about what would help you enjoy her company more.  You might try something like this during a muted commercial.  “Pooch-y-boo.  Can I just talk to you for a second while I have a break from this game or at your earliest convenience?”  If her response is to behave with irritation at your interruption of her shenanigans, be respectful and calm until she comes to a break in her tasks… Once you have her attention, smile (if at all possible), wink, look into her eyes, maybe even pinch her cheek a little and say, “Love you, sweetheart but I gotta tell you I’m feeling (whatever you’re feeling) “Annoyed,” “Invisible”, “Interrupted”, “Like my pleasures are unimportant to you…”  Then, “Can we talk about how to be together and share this space while showing regard for each others preferred activity?”  You won’t likely want to have a long conversation during the commercial but can agree to talk more about this over a cup of coffee at Claddagh, The Day by Day Cafe or The Mad Hatter.  Baseline of communication is really quite simple:  If a person you love says they feel something, care about it.  Always use I statements.  Failure to use “I” statements results in others feeling accused and our natural, animal response  (rather than caring about the accuser)  is to protect ourselves.  This natural response is the biggest barrier to human communication.  Following these two simple principles will make your every engagement flow much more smoothly.   Gentleness of speech and touch are huge components of smooth communication as well.  Can’t wait to learn how this all turns out.

Sincerely,  Deb

Next month I will address issues arising from the prior column and article about Homeless Assistance and what we can do as individuals and as a community or congregation to alleviate the suffering of our neighbors without shelter.

Oh, and Happy Thanksgiving and gratitude to my dear, dear readers.

OCTOBER 2011, LIVING, LOVING & LAUGHING

Remember way back in August when all the kids in the neighborhood were running around in minimal clothing and trying to look and stay cool? This column featured a question by “Anonymous” expressing concern about a pre-teen girl’s attire and demeanor attracting the wrong kind of attention from older (maybe not so much wiser) boys? I learned some readers thought “Anonymous” was a man and found the column a little “creepy”, as in, “Why is this guy paying so, so much attention to this pre-adolescent girl?” Well, sillies! The writer was a woman! This is not to say a caring man would not share the writer’s concerns. Just that (and this is weird I think) a man writing as “anonymous” evokes this creepiness response in some people. Something to think about (I’m thinking). For the particular Reader’s Question refer to August COMMUNITY REPORTER archives under columns.

Readers responses were, as always, varied. One teenaged type family member of mine (female) joked, “Tell her to mind her own gosh-o-golly business!” Then laughed, referred to the Psychology Text in her lap, adjusted her glasses, and pretended to seek a reference under what she referred to as the chapter on “Little SL&#Ts.” She threw her head back and laughed at the looks on the surrounding adult faces then said she was sure her mom and dad would know exactly what to say to the girl’s parents.

The question was one of safety, not unlike a question a few months ago about a texting/phoning teenage driver. Is it best to err on the side of caution, bite the bullet and just tell the kid directly about the concerns? Or, and especially in the case of a scantily clad pre-teen, is approaching the child directly inappropriate for a near stranger? I’m going to suggest erring on the side of caution in regard to the child’s safety. If you are a stranger, approach the parents or guardians and express your concern. If the child appears to be in imminent danger don’t hesitate to simply call the police. I’m a big one for “better safe than sorry.”

Last month Dear Deb spoke about the dramatic increase in the need for Housing Assistance services in our community. Your responses were compassionate and inquisitive. Are we powerless? What can be done? What can we do? One reader reminded me of a quote by Mother Theresa: “Your brother's newsletter is really, really powerful. And makes me despair that any change can come about. I have to go back to a quote from Mother Teresa to keep it in perspective: "In this life we can do no great things. We can only do small things with great love.” Yes.

See this month’s article about the work of the Homeless Advisory Board’s in THE COMMUNITY REPORTER.