WHOAH! SLOW DOWN THERE SUPER-MIMI

When I was a young mother of two in a blended household of three additional step-children, I craved the attentions of a Grandma who would come in and clean my house from floor to ceiling, organize my kids, get them to stop fighting and teach them to fold laundry. My mom, sadly, lived hundreds of miles from me and when she would visit she was treated as an honored guest and I found myself doing everything for her (and Dad) as well as for my large family. Yes, the children loved seeing Grandma and Grandpa but there was no particular relief for Mama and Daddy (now known as Mimi and Poppi) in the visits. So, when my daughters and son grew up and started having babies I thought to myself, "Hey, I'll just make life a little easier for these poor souls who must be overwhelmed with the demands of motherhood !"

I remember going to my daughter, Tamara's house after she had her first little guy, Elijah, now nearly 10. I secured a key for her home and went in and cleaned the life out of the place, stocked up the cupboards and refrigerators and left all in order for her arrival with little Elijah and her husband. Two years later, Poppi and I were blessed to have Elijah with us while Tamara had Joshua, now nearly 8. I did the same thing. It was after their third child Tamara very nicely told me this: "Mom, it's not that I don't appreciate all you do, but, sometimes it just makes me feel like I'm supposed to be doing this all the time plus being a mom. It makes me feel like I'm not good enough at housekeeping." A lightbulb went on. My intention was to show I understand how hard it can be to be a mom and I wanted to lighten her load. Now, thanks to Tamara, we try to talk about assumptions and what's really wanted and needed before I just bull-doze my way in and take over. You would think that would teach me a lesson for the long run, but, that was many years ago now and I have seventeen grandchildren in four different families of our children and their spouses across the country. It's hard to get the time to set clear expectations and ask what's wanted and understand the varying perspectives of our grown children in their particular households. In recent years I've never been told or thought I was interferring by cleaning, cookings, trying to guide the children... I had a reminder this past week. REMINDERS ARE GOOD. PERSPECTIVE AND RESPECT FOR THE PERSPECTIVE OF OUR GROWN CHILDREN ARE GOOD THINGS.

I'm reminded I've heard similar stories from friends of mine who "just thought I was helping out and..." You know the rest. A grown daughter wants her mother, mother-in-law to recognize her competence and can easily feel judged and criticized if Gramy, Mimi, Nana take over as if they know better without ever being clear and careful to ask for what's wanted.

I'm pretty certain I'll screw up again. Here's the danger. You love those kids and think of them as yours... in the sense "My grandkids!" You may think you are merely showing the world how beautifully behaved and cooperative you think they are... Caution, though. Their mom might think you are trying to show her how wrong she is and how right you are. It's not an inadequacy on the part of the grown daughter/son, all kids can feel easily judged and criticized by they parents. It really comes under the same category as "Do not give advice if you are not asked for it."

Moral of the story: Check yourself, Granny! You might think you are "all that" because you have such wonderful grandkids. Be sure you're recognizing the kids got that way mostly because of your kids, their parents (Hey, can I take credit for that, at least? OOPS! There I go again... Slow down there, Super-Mimi