March 2012, DEAR DEB...

Dear Deb,

I try to be an upbeat and positive person and, for the most part, my spirits are high and I love my life.  Right now though, with Valentine’s Day rapidly approaching, I’m finding it hard to entertain a loving spirit.  Why is that?  Is it that winter never quite came and still seems unending?  Is it the emergence of a worse than ever political season that has nothing to do with peace and love but rather has everything to do with denigration and division?   I hardly had ten seconds to rejoice that we would no longer be at war in Iraq before existing powers started talking a ‘take no prisoners’ approach to Iran.  Right now it seems there is very little sense to be made of anything.  It’s only at times I am resting with fellows of like mind that I can relax, take deep breaths and momentarily feel all is right with my world.  I feel a need to hide myself away.  Any advice for me from you and/or your readers would be helpful.

Someone’s not so happy Valentine

Dear Someone’s,

I’m imagining there are many people feeling the same doldrums and loss of high spirit you describe.  Perhaps Valentine’s Day was put dead center in deep winter to give us an opportunity to take a loved-one in our arms and close the door on the world for that very reason.  Sometimes (even without a loved one to hold) we have to love ourselves enough to simply close the door on the intruding and un-caring world and seek a stillness and solitude that comforts.  Though it’s certainly important to keep an awareness of the larger world and our part in it, there comes a time for renewal and refreshment that requires attention to keeping ourselves whole and happy.  My advice is to sequester yourself, alone or with others you dearly love and with whom you feel reciprocity and safety.  Listen, love, laugh.  The world outside can wait. And when you re-enter, your calm and refreshment will make the world a better place.

Dear Readers,

I received a couple of questions this month about gifts of art.  One reader asked the proper response to gifts of art that simply do not fit your taste or your décor.   These gifts can be as simple as tea towels or as extravagant as a carefully rendered landscape painting.  Another reader, an artist himself, said he seldom responds well to a gift of art because his tastes are very specific.  He has taken great pains to build his art collection and can’t figure how to incorporate pieces that aren’t quite suitable.

Dear Gift Recipients,

Receiving gifts we can’t really use or simply don’t like much is a tough one.  Almost always gifts are given with the intention of kindness and generosity.  I’m asking myself now how I would want a gift I’ve given from my good intentions to be received.  Having received the occasional gift I don’t know what to do with and certainly having given gifts I’ve later learned were not particularly welcome I think I have to stick with the old adage, “It’s the thought that counts.”   A kind and grateful response to the gift giver is always in order.  It is often possible to offer the gift to someone with suitable tastes on another occasion.  I think a kind “How kind of you to bring me a gift,” is the only response necessary.  Gift giving among family members, lovers and best friends is a different issue entirely.  In these cases it’s appropriate to establish expectations, understanding and boundaries to be sure we don’t run roughshod over our loved one’s feelings.

And this on gift-giving in general….

Dear Deb,

People seem to get in a bunch over gifts. What to give? How to accept what you don't like?  "It's the thought that counts." Yes--but I want the chance to have something tangible to accept or reject. You can't fob me off with "I'm thinking of you so fondly and that's my gift to you." NOT! So I get the thing and it doesn't meet my skyscraper standards--what do I do? I re-gift. Instead of keeping the damn thing in my front closet so I can bring it out any time the gift-er is expected, I simply pass it on. Now please note that I pass it on with DEEP THOUGHTS for the person who will now receive it, not just automatically. And if the gift-er comes by and is obviously looking around to see where I put her offering, I tell her that I loved it so much I couldn't resist making a gift of it -- just as she had done (Right?).

Not a hoarder.

Dear Not a hoarder,

It sounds as if you might be saying “Lighten up about the gift thing, already.  If one receives a gift one does not want, give it to someone who does want it!”  That sounds like one solution to me.  Hopefully anyone who gives you a gift will do it in the spirit of  ‘hope you like it but, if not, I won’t like you any less if you return it or give it to someone else.’  Seems to me that is the safest spirit in which to give a gift.

Sincerely,  Deb

P.S.  Now I know what happened to that set of quilted coasters I gave you!