January 2012, DEAR DEB Column

January 2012 (!)

A new year!  I’m dumbstruck.  How did that happen?  Holidays have passed.  Those memorable communications and relationship snafus remain.  I’m thinking we might mostly need a brief REMEDIAL COMMUNICATIONS 101…  What do you think?

Dear Deb,

I am an elderly woman and I like to play word games.  I have a young friend who also enjoys word games.  We are pretty evenly matched and have fun together.  I have one problem with her.  In a discussion about the meaning of a word, she declares flatly the she has the correct meaning.  If there is a question about the rules of a game and we look up the rules and it turns out I am correct, she says, "Well, we never played it that way before" or at best "I must be thinking of a different game".

My question: Will I be out of line or in danger of losing my game partner, if I suggest she might want to modify some of her dogmatic statements from "This is the way it is" to " I think but I could be wrong"?

I enjoy your column very much and think you are a smart young woman.  I'd love to meet your mother sometime.

Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

I wish you could meet my mother and that she had an easy answer to this type of question.  Let’s see, in the absence of her perspective and wisdom, if I can be helpful here.  I’ll do a bit a guessing and say I’m thinking this friend might be what Dr. Phil would call, “A ‘Right” fighter….”  This means it is quite possible she has some emotional investment in being ‘right” and feels being ‘wrong’ or ‘mistaken’ says something shameful about her so that she feels inadequate when she doesn’t come out on top in her perception and statement of her opinion.  This is one of the “Five Losing Strategies” in communicating effectively in relationships.  As Terrence Real, author of The New Rules Of Marriage, points out in his quick reference guide, the number one losing strategy is this: “Needing to be Right.”  He breaks it down into a.  Finding out whose view is more “valid” or “accurate”, b. Leads to endless objectivity battles, and c. Fuels the psychological violence of self-righteous indignation.”  He offers five winning strategies and his book is worth the read but, the short answer in any communication process that fails to satisfy the participants I’ve found the most important point is this.  It’s almost as simple as the STOP, DROP & ROLL response when warned of a fire.  It is:  STOP, THINK, CARE, LISTEN WITH EMPATHY.   How to Communicate, author M. McKay, PhD. et. al.  describes it this way.  “Listening with empathy means saying to yourself, “This is hard to hear, but it’s another human being trying to live.”  Ask yourself: “How did this belief or this decision though it may ultimately fail, lower this person’s anxiety or get some needs me.t”

            “Your ability to listen naturally goes down when someone is angry, criticizes, or wallows in self-pity.   If you find listening with empathy difficult, ask these questions:

1.     What need is the [right-fighting, etc.] coming from?  2.  What danger is this person experiencing?  3.  What is he or she asking for?”.  You may or may not wish to bone up on your skills through reading these books.  A simple solution for immediate use is to follow the above steps toward empathic listening and then say something along the lines of, “Oh, you think so?  You might be right!”.

Would love to know how this works out for you.