April, 2011, Dear Deb

April 2011, DEAR DEB

Dear Deb,

I am 18 years old and about to graduate from High School. I fell deeply in love with a girl a year older than I am when I was 15. She is just now finishing her first year of college. About 6 months ago I realized that, though I love her and can’t quite imagine life without her, she is not a person I can ever marry or spend my life with. I can’t handle her family because it’s way too different from me and my family. I don’t like the way they relate and don’t want them as grandparents to my children. I don’t feel intellectually stimulated by this girlfriend. Also, she is rapidly heading toward obesity and I’m into physical energy and physical activity. She told me some time ago that she is ready right now to say she is committed forever and I wasn’t ready to deal with the loss, loneliness and turmoil of a break-up so I tried to make myself believe it was alright to stay. I really do have some wonderful times with her but I know in my heart that I’m not being fair to her to hold on for fear of how lonely and sad I will be without her. It just seems cruel to come right our and tell her how I feel about her family, her weight & lack of energy and/or our lack of intellectual compatibility. What can I do?

Sincerely, In Too Deep

Dear In Too Deep,

You are wise to be thinking about the appropriateness/inappropriateness of continuing in this relationship. You are right to realize that hanging on is unfair to her. I have asked another column reader to help me with the answer to this one. She advises that you sit down and think through your feelings and write down what you want to say. Since you know that she is not what you want in a life partner and she wants that commitment from you, you have to say goodbye. There’s really nothing she can or should do about her family or the intellectual differences between you or your different views of healthful living. Be clear with her that it’s not that she’s done anything wrong and there’s really nothing she could do differently to change how you feel. Tell her you do not want to go through your entire life having dated only one person. She will always have a special place in your heart because she was your first true love. Tell her how you’ve grown and felt blessed by her love and friendship. Say how sorry you are that you’ve reached this different place from what you had expected, since it had seemed you were meant to be together. Time and maturity can and has changed that. Tell her you’ll always want her happiness and know it would not be fair for you or for her if you stay when you know it’s wrong for you. Expect some serious tears and heartache on both your part and hers. Stay solid in your knowledge of what you need for your future. I suggest that whatever you choose to say to her that you also send it in letter form so that she has time to consider it outside of what is sure to be an emotional encounter and so she has it to refer to as she goes through the stages of loss that she is bound to go through. The pain will ease. You will be ready when the right woman comes along.

Very truly yours,

Someone’s Mother

Dear Deb,

I have an elderly but very computer savvy aunt who I rarely see but I visited with her at the recent funeral for a family member. She asked for my email address, which I gave to her, but I very politely told her that I don’t like to receive jokes and forwarded items at all, and she said she totally understood and wouldn’t send me that kind of thing. I didn’t see anything from her for a couple of months and now all of a sudden my inbox has two or three forwarded emails from her every day. Do I say something or just “delete, delete, delete?” I feel like because she is my elder I should cut her some slack and just delete them, but it is irritating because I feel like she ignored my request. Any advice?

Thanks,

Confused

Dear Confused,

This is a problem readers frequently encounter with people who are like “one trick ponies” with the computer. Back in the early days of email certain people discovered they could amuse themselves and others without having to think up anything to say by sending jokes, recipes, cartoons and idle gossip to a whole slew of people on their mailing list at once and elicit all sorts of communication in return. All this at the click of the mouse! I have several of these individuals on my “when in doubt, delete” list. Now, most of us are on the social networks and can take it or leave it when people post material. These strictly emailers are clogging our in boxes instead of our Facebook Home pages. I don’t recommend opening a discussion with this aunt about these messages. Her actual personal attention to you may be more annoying and require more of you than these forwarded “ditties”. Just read the subject line, decide if you have any interest, select and delete. Keep her on your mailing list for anything you might send to a general audience that seems interested in your observations and goings on. Maybe she’ll get annoyed and take you off her list. That would be nice, wouldn’t it?