June 2011, DEAR DEB

LIVING, LOVING & LAUGHING: Dear Deb

June 2011

Last month I indulged myself by giving and taking my own advice. I promised I would bring you questions and comments of readers in my next column. Over the past several months you readers have raised some interesting questions and have often presented me with the answers as well. One such situation comes from an active Kool-Aid mom whose family recently adopted a dog who is scary to her little girl’s best friend and next-door neighbor.

Dear Deb,

My husband and I have five school age children who love to play outdoors. Our yard is a complete kid-magnet and has been for the last three years. Our kids have wanted a dog for the longest time and we were finally able to adopt a sweet mutt who we all love very much. We have always had an easy back and forth relationship with our next-door neighbors whose little girl is the same age as our daughter. The girls come and go between the houses and yards and have pretty much been inseparable. The problem is this. The neighbor girl is terrified of dogs. She always loved to play in our yard and at our house (we have a big outdoor play set) but since the dog has come to live with us she won’t come near without having her dad carry her in his arms. My husband, as well as the little girl’s parents and I felt terrible about this and it was making life a bit lonely for our daughter too. We sat down and figured out a solution with our neighbors. We made sure doggie was well fed, comfortable and securely attached to a leash. The little girl’s parents brought her over and held her close while we let the dog sniff her until she laughed and said it tickled. When doggie calmed down and sort of lost interest we put the little girl’s hand on his head and let her feel his silky fur. Doggie licked her hand and after a while, when our little neighbor realized how friendly our dog is, she felt safe having her parents leave her here to play. Peace and play have been realized!

Minnesota Kool-aid Mom

Dear Kool-aid Mom,

Thank you. Timely advice with the coming of spring and all the wild things emerging into shared space!

Deb

Dear Deb,

As I drive in and out of my neighborhood I sometimes pass the teenage daughter of my neighbor down the street, driving, and on her cell phone. I feel that the issue of talking and driving is a serious one, especially with teens. Do I tell the parents? I don’t know them well. If so, what would I say?

“No Phone Zone” Driver

Dear No Phone,

I thought a teenager might best answer this one. I solicited responses from six of my favorite teenagers (to whom I happen to be related…). I learned teenagers are busy and, perhaps less than thrilled to be asked, but still had an especially astute response from a very bright sixteen-year-old young man. He suggested you say, and I quote. “Hmmm. ‘Hi, I'm your neighbor and I know it's none of my business, but safety never takes a holiday. Therefore with that in mind I sometimes see your daughter talking on the phone and driving. I would hate to see her name in the newspaper for a car accident and know that I could have tried to prevent that cell phone use and I didn't.’" I’ll let you know later if anyone comes up with a better answer. For now, this seems to fit the bill, don’t you think?

Deb

In April a reader submitted a question about her elderly aunt who could not be dissuaded from sending her niece un-welcome emails. A reader from Seattle wrote this in response to my suggestion:

“I read with interest the recent column. I would like to say, Why not send the aunt an email saying, 'I would love to hear from you personally when you feel like communicating with me, but I don't enjoy receiving forwarded jokes and such.' It sounds like you're saying real communication would ensue, and that might be bad. Or do I misunderstand?

Your Seattle reader,

Mary”

Dear Seattle Reader, Mary,

I will forward your suggestion to the reader who raised the initial question. It certainly represents a possible solution. My response was based on the writer's indication she had essentially said your very words to the aunt and felt her expressed wishes and feelings were ignored. Having, myself, an on-going email relationship with a recipe, joke and religious-ditty forwarder who ignores anything I might say to dissuade her from these communications I think my response held a bias. Perhaps the writer's aunt deserves another chance to respect or ignore the writer's wishes. I simply felt it might be preferable to read the emails that were of interest and ditch the ones that weren't. Any danger of "real communication" ensuing never crossed my mind. What did cross my mind was the possibility of hurt feelings on the part of the clueless aunt who is just trying her best to communicate in the only way she knows how only to have her wrists slapped for being insensitive to her distant niece's feelings. I think the writer's question was about how much it makes sense for her to invest in repeating her request to her aunt if she was already ignored once. My thought was, lighten up and see if any of her emails hold any interest for you. Still, as I said, your suggestion is a valid one and perhaps will prove helpful to the writer. Thank you so much for writing. It's fun and interesting to know the column is being read and helpful to know the advice you would give. Please continue to read and offer your suggestions for answers.

With gratitude,

Deb