Dear Deb, November 2011

And now the Fall is fading….   For me the last couple of months have been a time of equanimity and serenity for the most part.  I wish the same for you.

As the seasons change new questions of our responsibility to loved ones, our communities and to complete strangers emerge.

Dear Deb,

Take my wife! Please!  But, seriously, Deb.  I do have some issues with the coming of the cold weather and increased proximity to my nearest and dearest.  Don’t get me wrong.  I love spending time with her.  It’s just that our mutual love of our den during football season, the baseball playoffs (World Series….) & her desire to be near me while multi-tasking on phone, computer, magazines and other written material and carrying on conversations with me…. Well… We are at odds.  How do I tell her, without being mean or hurting her feelings that I really need to concentrate on these sports events and that her expletives at the phone and computer and desire to share her frustration, joy and O Magazine discoveries with me at these times is, frankly, infuriating.

Baffled Spouse

Dear Baffled,

Your circumstances sound strangely familiar to me.  I can understand your furor and frustration.  Moving it all indoors in the cooler weather often leads to far too much togetherness even for the most loving couples.  I’ll refer you to a column I wrote some time ago about “Love Language.”  In my experience it doesn’t much matter what the issue or frustration or irritation is…. The way we tell others how we feel and what’s bothering us makes all the difference.  If in doubt about the irritating individual’s love-language your best course is to use “I” statements.  Make the frustration, not about how unbearably annoying she is and how can she possibly expect you to put up with her shenanigans but, rather, about what would help you enjoy her company more.  You might try something like this during a muted commercial.  “Pooch-y-boo.  Can I just talk to you for a second while I have a break from this game or at your earliest convenience?”  If her response is to behave with irritation at your interruption of her shenanigans, be respectful and calm until she comes to a break in her tasks… Once you have her attention, smile (if at all possible), wink, look into her eyes, maybe even pinch her cheek a little and say, “Love you, sweetheart but I gotta tell you I’m feeling (whatever you’re feeling) “Annoyed,” “Invisible”, “Interrupted”, “Like my pleasures are unimportant to you…”  Then, “Can we talk about how to be together and share this space while showing regard for each others preferred activity?”  You won’t likely want to have a long conversation during the commercial but can agree to talk more about this over a cup of coffee at Claddagh, The Day by Day Cafe or The Mad Hatter.  Baseline of communication is really quite simple:  If a person you love says they feel something, care about it.  Always use I statements.  Failure to use “I” statements results in others feeling accused and our natural, animal response  (rather than caring about the accuser)  is to protect ourselves.  This natural response is the biggest barrier to human communication.  Following these two simple principles will make your every engagement flow much more smoothly.   Gentleness of speech and touch are huge components of smooth communication as well.  Can’t wait to learn how this all turns out.

Sincerely,  Deb

Next month I will address issues arising from the prior column and article about Homeless Assistance and what we can do as individuals and as a community or congregation to alleviate the suffering of our neighbors without shelter.

Oh, and Happy Thanksgiving and gratitude to my dear, dear readers.