Dear Readers of mine. This year I’ve published a novel,
accumulated another dozen LIVING, LOVING & LAUGHING columns and climbed
upon my lectern regarding HOUSING ASSISTANCE, repeatedly trying to ignore a
gnawing sense my words were going unread. The other day on MPR an author was
interviewed regarding his booked titled READ THIS OR YOU'RE DEAD TO ME.
Not long ago I would have stolen this cynical title and sent it into the
world in rant form because I feared I had so few readers.
Well, not so the last couple
of months (I’m happy to say)! Mr. MPR Author can have his title. You, dear
readers, have found and used your voices.
Not only do I have “readers” but, I have “responsive readers!” I’m overjoyed. There is far too much from you for one column
alone. Still, keep those cards and
letter coming please...
THE EMPTY NEST: Blessing or
Curse?
Dear Deb,
I am a recent empty nester
and I just want to say that, although I miss my kids…I don't miss them that
much. My husband and I have a suddenly deeper connection in our own
marriage, enjoying so much uninterrupted time together for the first time in 21
years. We go out on a date and know that when we come home we won't be
faced with siblings needing mediation or one or the other needing to process
the phone call they just finished. Whatever mood we set on the date need
not be broken by returning home. Or we settle in to watch a movie
together with the same knowledge that the evening is all ours. How
refreshing…and quite honestly, sexy.
But don't get me wrong.
I'm really looking forward to my kids coming home for vacations and even
for the summertime, but as much fun, laughter and love as the house will be
filled with during those times, I know I won't mind the return to this quieter
life where my husband and I are once again focused mostly on each other.
Sadly, I'm finding that our
empty nest experience is perhaps not all that common. We recently
attended a picnic at the home of a friend. I was chatting with a woman
who commented on the fact that I was a recent empty nester. She was a bit
older than me and before I could say anything she said, "I think that the
empty nest is the saddest time in a marriage." Really? She
just said that? I was taken aback for two reasons. One, someone I'm
only marginally acquainted with seemed to be telling me that her marriage, in
and of itself, sucks big time… and that's awkward. Two, if I'm honest, I
will have to enthusiastically disagree with her and that seems a bit heartless.
I just chose to say that we were finding our new freedom bittersweet.
Furthermore, a friend's
husband recently broke into tears while out to dinner for his birthday,
because it was the first birthday his daughter (who shares his birthdate)
had not been present with him. And when I say broke into tears, I mean he
sobbed. My friend told me the crying is a daily occurrence. And yet
another friend has shared that she is wondering what she and her husband will
do once their last birdie flies from the nest next fall because everything
outside of their jobs is attending his events and taking care of his needs and
she can't remember the last time they went on a date.
So, I don't really have a
question, I'm just a little sad by the news that the return to simply being a
couple, after years of quite happily sharing the highs and lows of parenthood,
is a real blow to so many folks, rather than an exciting next phase in their
marriages. I told everyone who asked me in advance of our empty nest that
I thought it would be bittersweet, but truly its not, its just sweet. And
I'm looking for more folks who share my joy because I have to believe there are
more of them out there than I've discovered so far. Perhaps they wouldn't
mind writing in.
Your friend who is,
Happy to be going to Parent's
Day at least 2 hours away
Dear Happy,
Your letter cheers me
greatly. Enough said. You heard the woman Readers. Perhaps you wouldn’t mind writing in.
HAPPY HOLIDAYS & SEASON’S
GREETINGS
I wanted to add my vote for happy empty nesters! There is an old joke that you don't know true freedom until the kids leave home and the dog dies. Well, our kid left home three years ago and our beloved dog died this past summer, and truthfully, we love our empty nest! We are very selfish with our time. We eat dinner in front of the tv while watching the latest episode of whatever cable series we get on Netflix. We leave the house and don't think about how long we'll be gone. We go away for the weekend and don't even look back. And I finally can run errands after work instead of rushing right home for kids or animal. Our relationship has less stress and more fun.
ReplyDeleteI'm not saying that launching our only kid was easy. There were plenty of times in the first few months when there were tears, and the adjustment to my new role in his life still at times strikes me as strange. But I remember when we came home from dropping him at school. I walked in and looked around and said to my husband, "We get to live in this beautiful house all by ourselves?" And it's been great ever since.