Conversation in the Digital Age

 Conversation in the Digital Age

 

THE MORE THINGS CHANGE…

 

My little brother “ruined his eyes” sitting too close to the TV set from 1958 to 1965. My little sister ate too much apple pie while sitting sedentary in front of the TV after school every day from the time she started Kindergarten until fifth grade. My older sister had to be coerced from the pages of a book. She slumped, sullen and disgusted to join the family dinner table. She cleaned her plate, excused herself and was once again swallowed by her book. In the 1980’s on family road trips with my own children their eyes were closed, ear phones connected to a Walkman and, I swear, neither of them ever saw Big Sur, Santa Monica, the San Francisco Pier or Bodega Bay. I would swoon loudly along the curving coastal road. Occasionally (rarely) an eye would open and the child would raise her head ever so slightly, perhaps mouth the word “cool” and return to her technology-inspired inner world. In recent years I’ve had the good fortune to have many, many grandchildren. Our firstborn grand girl (now 26 years old) loved to read, loved everything pop culture, spent hours with her face in fashion magazines, watched at least a movie a day, read Harry Potter and the entire Twilight series before, during and after family dinners. Needless to say, this absorption kept their heads down, their faces from view and we judged them unavailable to converse and expand their horizons. We worried. We fretted. We despaired they would manner-less, friendless and jobless. 

 

Then came the Internet, email, text messaging, smart phones and social media! OMG! We were and are in NO MOOD to LOL. No matter the wonders of the world or once in a lifetime entertainment or visitor from afar. Nothing absorbs the attention of a child, young adult or grown child (not to mention our aging friends) like whatever and whoever presents itself on the nearest digital platform.

 

We’ve developed entirely new protocols and rituals to incorporate the necessary digital technology into every moment of waking life. God forbid eighteen-month-old Junior bang his spoon and eschew the coloring crayons at the family’s night out! What kind of parents subject others at a restaurant to a child not mesmerized by the screen of an iPhone or iPad?

 

All the best parenting experts, psychologists and social scientists are delving into questions of what and who are we becoming as technology increasingly seems to fill in for face to face human interaction. An entire and lucrative industry has grown up to analyze, admonish and advise us regarding the “hell in a hand-basket” prospects for humanity. I don’t mean to dismiss or make light of the negative aspects of too much screen time, too little training in human discourse, conversation and empathic listening. Really, I don’t. The lethargy, glazed eyes, vacuous, prurient and even violent content of all we expose ourselves to on our screens concerns me too. 

 

When I decided to write this column, I asked a 49 year old man, a sixty something woman, a 40 something woman and two 70 something brothers their opinion on the pros and cons of the current state of technology and even artificial intelligence. Where did they think the world was heading? One responded, “Hey! What are you going to do? It’s here to stay. There’s nothing you can do about it now?” One of them said, “You can’t have a meaningful conversation anymore. Someone or something on the screen is always more important than the person sitting right next to you or across from you at the table.” One said, “The good thing about smart phones and the internet is that if my kids couldn’t communicate with me through an app, I don’t think they would be in touch at all. I prefer something to nothing.”

 

I recently read Sherry Turkle’s RECLAIMING CONVERSATION: The Power of Talk in the Digital Age. Penguin Press, 2015

 

Turkle, an MIT researcher and psychologist seeks to clarify how email, text messaging and social media have impacted our relationships and our ability to experience empathy. What happens when we cannot look into the eyes of the person with whom we’re talking? What happens when emoji’s and punctuation standards and tone of voice are difficult to decipher? How important is facial expression and body language to being truly seen, heard and understood? How important is non-digital communication to conducting a successful business?

 

Turkle’s book was published in 2015. Her research was conducted over several years prior to that. In the intervening years technology has expanded and its effects on communication and our connection to each other has undergone some scrutiny. Turkle’s is certainly not the only book on this subject and I find this tremendously encouraging. The view that we can’t stop the speeding train that is the human downfall brought on by technology and Artificial Intelligence simply doesn’t make any sense to me. The very fact that we talk about it nearly ALL THE TIME is a sign that human beings care deeply about the ill effects as well as the benefits. It occurs to me, as I think about what has become of my siblings as a result of their out of control childhood and teenage behaviors and what has become of our children and growing and grown grandchildren, is that we human beings quite naturally question the questionable. Historically and consistently we work against the deleterious and we put in place, more often than not, a suitable balance.  We teach our children limits, boundaries and manners. Sure, they appear to ignore us. But one day they grow to monitor themselves toward a more rather than less rewarding life and, sooner than we can imagine, we are spectators to lives well-lived by our children and grandchildren.