JANUARY 2011, LIVING, LOVING & LAUGHING

So, Readers, how were your holidays? Mine were a fine dance of weaving in and out of expectations I have that I can provide sugar-plum fairies, warm & tender quality moments for an extended family approaching fifty-some in numbers, meet professional/community commitments, be my husband’s dream-lover, take great care of myself and, get this, never touch a “drop” (if you know what I mean… Yup, that’s what I mean all right). Tis the season for me to become a near tea-totaler. I’ve relished the coziness of a fire, a good book, hot cups of tea and the proverbial “thou” -- whoever that may be at the moment, as in children, grandchildren, parents, siblings and dear friends. Long live the Holidays! Now, let’s get this New Year going, eh?

Dear Deb,

I live in an old house just off W7th. I’m in my early 20’s and haven’t had a full-time or regular part-time job since I left high school at age 16. My mom rents this house for me and she lives across town with my step-dad. Since the house has three bedrooms and I can use the money I let my buddies stay here with me and they have to help with some cash and food. Here’s my problem. It seems like the homeowner neighbors are out to get my friends and me for just being young and liking to stay up late and party. They’re always calling the cops or just walking out their doors and standing there staring at us like we’re freaks or something. Seems to me as long as the rent is paid they should just live and let live and just mind their own business. What do you think?

Minding my own business

Dear Minding….

I can kind of see your point of view. Especially if your behavior and that of your “buddies” is considerate, respectful and neighborly. I’m guessing there are some things you’re not telling me though. I hate to make assumptions but if you are out of work, young, left school and prone to partying, you may unwittingly be disrupting the peace in your neighborhood. People who go to school and have jobs usually like a quiet neighborhood by about 10 PM. Is that about the time you and your buddies shut it down and go inside and turn your voices and music down? As a homeowner myself in a neighborhood much like you describe yours, I know I’m uncomfortable with cars stopping in the middle of the street and night for a loud argument filled with angry expletives and apparent drug deals. I may be wrong, but if I even imagine there are guns or drugs or domestic violence involved, I call the cops. I suggest you check yourself because perception is everything. If you look like your behavior is out of line people are going to call the cops and their going to stare at you like you’re a freak and you simply aren’t going to get a very friendly welcome in the community. You may be a fine upstanding citizen but if that’s not apparent to the neighbors they can make you pretty uncomfortable. Take a minute to think about how you can change that perception.

Dear Deb,

I partner with candidates for Habitat for Humanity’s housing and am required to make recommendations to the Board about the suitability of the candidates. There is certain criterion each one has to meet before everyone signs on the dotted line. A recent candidate, a single woman with two small children and a baby on the way, seemed ideally qualified and was truly excited to do the work necessary to have a Habitat home. Since filling out the paper work, though she’s moved out of her grandmother’s house where the children were getting loving care and she’s lost her job and moved in with a man (not the father of the coming baby) who lives with his mother. I asked her if this man plans to become part of her household and she said he’d like to be and wants to sign as the father for her new baby. When asked why she left her grandmother’s house she said, “They didn’t want me to have any fun”. If she were to file an application under the current circumstances she would not be considered for a Habitat home. I really like her and want so much for her to turn her life around and become a homeowner but I’m worried her recent behavior makes her a huge risk for this program. I’ve bonded with her and am not sure how to tell her I can’t in good conscience recommend her to the Board. Any ideas?

Habitat Volunteer

Dear Habitat,

It can be difficult to separate the emotional from the necessary practicalities when dealing with charity organizations and those who benefit from them. I suggest sitting down with her and telling her the specific criteria under which she qualified and asking her if she is willing to abide by the criteria required for Habitat housing as initially discussed. If she seems wishy-washy or as if she will be more interested in “fun” than the responsibilities of home ownership, tell her you no longer feel you can recommend her to the board. Wish her well and let her know she’s welcome to reapply at a later date if her circumstances change. It’s tough love, I know, but I really think it’s the most respectful thing to hold this woman accountable.

Send me your contributions (advice, counsel, comments, questions) via anonymous comments here, a note left at the W7th Community Center, in my mailbox or via email to the address here or to editor@communityreporter.org. It's your column. Honestly, it's all about YOU, not ME.