February 2011, Living, Loving, Laughing

ASK DEB

February 2011

Is it that the beginning of a new year is the time for resolutions and trying to make things better that brings out the conversations about shame, self-disgust, feeling let down or like we’re letting someone else down? I don’t know how many times since Christmas I’ve had someone say something to me that’s made me think, “Hey, take it easy on yourself, dear one…” I think that because I want to be able to give myself a little wiggle-room and find ways to forgive my own lack of perfection I’m wanting to know how you, Dear Reader, let go of self-recrimination and rise to a place of being your better self. I’ve talked to people this month who’ve overspent, hurt people with their words, over-eaten, drank too much, become too angry, didn’t exercise enough and watched trash TV to excess. So I’m making this topic the QUESTION TO READERS this month. Let’s help each other out.

Dear Reader,

What techniques do you use to help yourself return to serenity? How do you let go of the desire to control what you can’t control? If you’ve succumbed to behaviors that make you feel ashamed, what’s your technique toward self-forgiveness and even compassion toward others who’ve failed you or themselves? Seems to me “‘Tis the Season” always. There’s not a particular day or time when we’re absolved of our desire toward perfection nor a season when there’s no need to let ourselves or others off the hook. Since we’ve all been there and done that (whatever our failings…) let’s share our secret tools for success at forgiveness of self and others. Talk to me… Talk to each other….

Last month’s column elicited some interesting responses. One reader offered some advice from her St. Paul neighborhood. “ As to your neighbors who like to party....our block has struggled with St Thomas students for almost all of 40 years. We called the police often when things got out of hand after 10:00. Just be consistent in dealing with them and set up "Neighborhood Rules". We had some success with the police, but it was a real pain keeping on top of the kids. Also, get a number for the mom who set up the rental and find out if there is a lease… It might be a good idea to write up rules to be followed and consequences if they don't comply.. I'd add that the mother should be called when the "rules" are ignored.”

Another reader offered this for the Habitat “Lady”: “Isn't it unwise to "bond" with applicants that you may have to judge for home ownership? Don't know myself but I would consider that future advice.”

Dear Deb,

I enjoy reviewing cultural events, books, movies, music and theater and find that I mostly have something positive I want to share. Recently I attended an event I fully expected to love but came away having pretty much hated the thing. Still, I would like to share my opinion of the event but wonder how the human being on the end of the “criticism” will be effected by my negative comments. I often read the work of critics and wonder how they live with themselves after some of the cruel blows they deal. Your thoughts…?

Blogger in Waiting

Dear Waiting,

Having been on the receiving and giving end of some criticism my advice is the same as if you were face to face with a person with whom you disagree. Let kindness rule the day. Use “I” statements and simply be aware one person’s perfect cup of tea is another’s idea of a reason to run gagging from the room. It’s a big world and there are lots of viewpoints out there. My advice, wait no more! Your opinion is as valuable as the next guy/gal’s.