March 2011, Dear Deb

LOVE LANGUAGE: Reflections on a Valentine

A short deadline this month has me writing this column just before Valentine’s Day. Naturally I’ve been thinking about love and how we see ourselves vs. how we’re seen and how that impacts communication and, in fact, entire relationships. A friend recently directed me to refresh my memory about the book THE FIVE LOVE LANGUAGES by Gary Chapman, 1992. I’ve always felt the concept was pretty simplistic but now realize a basic reference point, choice of five options, is quite helpful. The book offers exercises to help the reader determine their love language. If you do the exercises with a loved one, you can compare love languages, and, the hope is (I think) you can let the people you love know what makes you feel most loved and treasured in relationships. You learn what makes your loved ones feel most loved and, if you keep that in mind in your interactions with others, they feel loved by you and you feel loved by them.

Recently my daughter in law and I were discussing love-languages. It was interesting to me that she guessed my love language was SERVICE. I said, “Hmmm. That’s interesting. What makes you say that?” She said something like, “Well, you’re always doing something, taking care of someone or something….” I hadn’t taken the quiz to determine my love language at the time but I felt strongly that SERVICE would not be number one. I did understand that, since she sees me in the role of grandma and mom, homemaker, wife to grandpa and doesn’t have much occasion to view my life otherwise, she would likely have a very different view of me than I have of myself.

In truth, I love almost nothing better than a quiet, easy, reciprocal time in the company of a person or people I love or a quiet, focused time in my studio or with a good book. I like to think I’m a gracious hostess and I do like to create a welcoming, inviting atmosphere around me. That focus could seem like one of service, but I think of it more as an aspect of my attitude toward beauty, comfort and joy. I do very little out of a sense of service to anyone or anything, though I hold the hope that by “being the change I wish to see in the World” (Ghandi), I bring pleasure and joy to the lives of others.

My husband and I took the test and compared our scores:

Mine: Quality time (laughing, talking, playing, working, studying together) 33%;

Kind words and affirmation (being heard & cared for) 30%; Physical Touch 23%;

Acts of Service & Receiving Gifts. An equal 7% each.

My Spouse: Physical touch, 33%; Quality time 30%; Acts of Service, (giving and receiving), 20%; Kind words and affirmation, 17%; Receiving gifts, 0%

I think our scores are pretty much right on. Want to take the test? Here’s a link so you can do it online, instant & free. Tell people you love how you want to be loved and listen to them tell you. HAPPY LIVING & LOVING!

http://www.afo.net/hftw-lovetest.asp

Write me about this or other topics. We can all help each other become our best selves.

Still interested in responses to February’s question to Readers: www.communityreporter.org