"WHAT ARE YOU GOING THROUGH?"

 

September 2012

ASK DEB

Dear Readers,

Have you ever wanted to connect on a deeply reciprocal level with a friend or loved one and simply not known how to bring the conversation beyond the superficial level of, “Hey, how are you?” and a response akin to “Not bad, not bad…. Could be worse.  How about you?”   Or, “Oh my God!  You DO NOT WANT TO KNOW!”  -- With the subsequent effect of feeling that, “Yes.  Well, maybe I DON’T!”  Intimate conversations in which we drop our masks and truly listen to one another and feel heard and seen in return are a rarity in this life.

I recently met with a friend who is an expert in Gestalt Therapy.  We were talking about what it is individuals long for in their deeper friendships.  He said, “ Isn’t the question, then, ‘What are you going through?’”  Wow!  Wow!  I was speechless for a moment.  I looked at him, nodded my head slowly and thought, “What if that is the question we ask of those we want to know and those we want to know us?”  Clearly it’s not the question for a business meeting or a casual acquaintance.   It wasn’t even a question this friend and colleague and I could reasonably ask each other.

The following week my grand daughter, seventeen years old, was here with me.  I used the question with her.  She opened her mouth, her heart and her mind.  I listened.  I felt blessed she would trust me with her heart’s truth.  I met my daughter for coffee.  I said, “What are you going through?”  Hours later I felt I’d been given a gift in the deeper knowing of her.  I asked my youngest sister in an email, “What are you going through?”  I learned her current involvements, her sorrows, vulnerabilities and great joys.  I asked my husband and a close woman friend to participate in this type of conversation rather than our usual, “How did you sleep?”  “What are your plans for the day?”  “How are you?”  It’s amazing the difference in the quality of the conversations.  I loved being the trusted other for my child, grandchild and younger sister.  I love too the reciprocity in having a peer tell me his/her heart’s truth and eagerly return the favor.  It’s about being heard, seen, and respected.  It takes the impetus off the idea of giving advice (unless asked for it…).  Takes the impetus off the idea of fixing one another.  What richness is inherent in simply seeing, hearing and (often) understanding another and feeling understood.

Want to give it a try and let me know what happens?